cure for pain

on my lunch, i varied my usual walk to pier 14 near the ferry building and instead, trekked through the 'loin to nob hill. groovy urban hike.

i walked the labyrinth in front of grace cathedral in the bright sun, a walking meditation. then i went inside where i was absorbed by a grim photo essay about survivors of gun violence. a pretty strange sight to see inside a gothic cathedral!

it was while reading about these unfortunate victims with these sad, haunted eyes (the portraits were all b&w and quite beautiful) and listening to morphine's 'cure for pain' when the phone rang. i was it was edith. the nanny who got away. my stomach curldled.

i have been meaning to delete her from my phone. the last time she called i didn't answer. i feel like a jilted lover. it's been a year-and-a-half and it still sears straight through me. this time i take the call.

in heavy-accented english she tells me her daughter misses mine, her mother passed away, her son is doing well in school. then she says she's leaving M&M, the friends that poached her. when she told me this in the past, i got excited, promised to give her more money, more hours if she came back to us and took care of nino. but this time, i listened for a while, promised half-heartedly to get the girls together for a play date, then said goodbye, turned morphine up and headed down nob hill to the 'loin.

I propose a toast to my self control
You see it crawling helpless on the floor
Someday there'll be a cure for pain
That's when I'll throw my drugs away.
- Mark Sandman